It has taken me a while to get to the point of typing this blog post. In fact, I started writing a post a couple of months ago but then lost any momentum for it. The initial thought of writing was exciting and filled me with a burst of energy and enthusiasm to write and express myself, and maybe even help some other people too. Then, the all too familiar feeling of tiredness and negative thoughts came flooding back in and I found myself crawling back into bed, pulling the duvet over me trying to recoup the energy I had just spent stressing over how to start the blog post, let alone plan future posts.
I want to start off by saying that I am by no means on the other side of it (I’m currently in the “I may have depression but don’t want to label it, also I have no reason to be depressed” phase). I’m writing this blog post, fully in the midst of it but with sight on the way out. There is so much content online with people who have beaten depression and want to help guide other people out and, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great they want to share their experiences and help. Reading about other people and what they have done has helped me a lot, but I wanted to share my experience of being in the middle of it. A completely honest account of how it feels, but also methods and ideas I’m exploring to find a way out of it.
You may be right at the start of your journey with depression, or years into it desperately trying to find “the answer” and a way out. The first thing you probably did was Google depression and look on the NHS website (or your health service equivalent!) and read through the advice given to try and help you find a way out of it.
Seems simple enough. The first time I read it I felt really enthusiastic about exercising, chucked on some shorts and a t-shirt to go for a run along the tea plantation. Or rather a walk, run for 2 minute, walk for 5 minutes, run for another minute, walk for 6 minutes, run for 1.5 minutes, walk home. It was something. It was great, I felt great. Then comes the next time I plan to go for a run and suddenly it feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, dragging me down. I suddenly feel really tired and can’t get out of bed so just go back to sleep. Very quickly, exercising regularly doesn’t seem so simple. It seems like a hugely unattainable goal I’ll never have enough commitment to meet.
“Try and find a hobby you enjoy”
This one isn’t so simple. When you feel low and low on energy, things you used to find fun now seem a lot more difficult. Sleep is easier. Watching Netflix is easier. Watching Netflix from bed with the possibility of falling asleep whenever you want? That sounds like a great low energy, mind numbing choice.
“Speak to a professional”
Speaking to a professional will no doubt be of benefit in some way, but the problem of time and cost arises. Speaking to someone professionally can be really expensive if you go private, or there can be long wait times to be able to talk to someone, and you want to talk to someone now. The thought of waiting all the time can be stressful. Likewise, the thought of talking to someone can be stressful. Another thing I don’t have energy for.
All of this advice itself is good advice, however it’s really not practical as it’s often not as straight forward as it seems: from my point of view. So, where does the blog come in?
One thing I am good at is analysing my own thoughts and researching new things to try and find ways to progress forward from how I’m feeling. I want to share this blog with everyone as not only a way to help myself through this more challenging time in my life, but to also share ideas and thoughts about different suggestions online. It can be very daunting coming to terms with feeling low, let alone labelling how you feel with the ‘d’ word, so I’d like to try and make it a little easier for those reading my blog so others can also begin to develop themselves.
However, before you get started it’s important to note two things:
- Be open minded
When you first start feeling quite low, you will feel very closed off to ideas I thought they were silly or weren’t really practical. Stuff like yoga and mindfulness I disregarded before I even gave them a shut- I was like. This is Africa”. However, upon being more open minded and seeing what they were about I found these areas really helpful.
- Everyone is individual
There is no one fix for everyone. Something I may find helpful, you may not. We can be open minded when looking at these things but sometimes they’re just not practical or do not work for us. That’s okay consider this a journey and acknowledge that you’re going to have good days and bad days. You’re going to try ideas and then them not work for you and feel like you’ve failed, but you haven’t. You’ve simply explored a different road on your journey and found it wasn’t the way you wanted to go. You’ve learnt from the experience and you’ve progressed forward and that’s all that matters.