This time I will not run from love. I will stay even when it closes in on me and attacks me from every direction. How long will I run from it? I have decided to see what happens after the suffocation.
You can always start to tell when someone starts to fall in love with you. I believe this should be a good thing, especially if you love them back. However, this is not the case for me. I am okay when there’s doubt in the air. I am happy and comfortable but the moment i look up and see that it is in-fact love and not lust in their eyes, I panic. My mind says run. And if I don’t, then I’ll start to come up with reasons why I should run.
“He eats too loudly” , “You hate his smile”, “He wasn’t honest about what he was doing yesterday” , “he’s probably in love with someone else as well” the mind fills you up with reasons until you can’t even stand the person anymore. Why is it? This time I will talk to my mind. I need an explanation, why must we always run from love? Is love a bad thing? What would happen if we let it in? Why are we scared?Who hurt us?
Mind tells me about all the times I have been hurt,( It was only one time) she reminds me of how I stayed in bed for weeks crying my eyes out. Mind reminds me of my father’s abandonment. She reminds me of every time I ever felt abandoned. ( what does this have to do with it?). She tells me we have been hurt before. (I know). I’ve fallen and yet I kept walking. I failed in school and yet I did not drop out. How is this different? Why can’t I say I LOVE YOU.
I do not want to be heavy for my lover. He should not carry me around waiting for me to love him back. I don’t want him to have power over me or to think my love for him will make me stay. Never should I be jealous or perhaps stay up till late in the night wondering if I am enough. I refuse to suffer because of the love I carry.
I want a love that’s easy and unafraid that I can touch, drown in it maybe. One that is proud and stands tall besides me.
This time I will let love in, i am scared and if it kills me, (supposing that love is something that kills) then my tombstone should read, here lies a girl killed by the love that she loved.